I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You're like the curious george of whores
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
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