it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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