I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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