So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
