The maid of honor just puked.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
