with your own penis?
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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