I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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