Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
