he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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