I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
