He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
