Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
