you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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