4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
