I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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