I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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