remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
