you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
