I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
