just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
