we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
