i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
