I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
