"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
