actually, I'm a sock model
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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