you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
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The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
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New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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