Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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