I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
