it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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