i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
