I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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