I just pynch a tree in the face
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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