He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
