i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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