Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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