Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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