my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
