You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
