I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
