Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
