you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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