hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
