the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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