Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Randomize
