cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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