I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
