its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
