I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
