Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
All the doctor said was why
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
