I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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