Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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