apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So much rum. So many feels.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
