I just cut my nipple shaving
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
