I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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