you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
