nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
