We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
