Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
